Are You Calling Me Fat

I’m going to let you into a little secret that has got me out of many a tricky situation.  Man is a predator.  An apex predator.  I’m not sure what that means or even if it’s actually a thing but it sounds good so I’m going to run with it.  As I was saying.  Man is an apex predator but on occasion the “fight or flight” instinct will kick in.  What we always want to elicit is the flight reaction.  Here’s a scientific diagram that explains what happens to the human body.

fight or flight

So much going on but you’ll note, as I have previously pointed out, nothing about the spleen which is why doctors just whip it out all the time.  Cast your mind back to every TV medical drama you’ve ever seen.  At some point there will be anxious relatives waiting while their loved one undergoes surgery.  Will they make it?  Will they ever come out of the coma?  The doctor comes in still wearing his scrubs with his mask at a jaunty angle.  He looks exhausted.  He says “it was touch and go but he/she made it.  I did have to remove the spleen though”.  The relatives look at each other thinking ‘what the hell is the spleen’ and the doctor’s thinking ‘for the love of God don’t ask me what the spleen is’.

So back to fight or flight.  Say, oh I don’t know, you’re spending too much money on beauty products or Lululemon.  You see the mailman (let’s call him Lary) more than you do your husband.  Maybe you forgot to pick up your partners dry cleaning because you were busy watching Lifetime and ordering things online.  You’re still in your PJ’s when your beloved comes home from work, which incidentally in no way means you don’t lead a busy and fulfilling life.  Your partner looks at you.   He’s upset.  He’s building up to an apex predator style lecture and ain’t no one got time for that.

The following line will stop him dead in his tracks Are you calling me fat.  Immediately his heart will start beating faster.  His blood pressure will increase.  Sweat may form on his brow.  His pancreas is doing all manner of strange pancreatic things.  He’ll be confused.  He’s looking for a way out.  He’s thinking “why did I ever say anything.  Did I call her fat?  Is she fat?  Oh God I can’t call her fat”.  His flight instinct is in overdrive.  He wants so much to get out of this situation that he’ll do anything to make it go away and his memory has erased whatever it was he was angry about, even the Dunkin Donuts latte that he went out to get you  and you just dropped all over the cream carpet.  My bad.

I can promise you this strategy works.  I have tried it in numerous situations.  You’re welcome.

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