The following blog contains images some readers may find disturbing. Reader discretion advised.
Mr Sibs left for his annual pilot recurrent training today. To Florida. It’s snowing here. Coincidence? I think not.
As I dropped him off at the airport he sent me the following text hitherto referred to as Exhibit A.
Let the record show that nowhere in that text does it say “do not use my Tupperware to soak your feet”. Not a mention of it and you are my witnesses should word get out.
So last week I decided to do a foot peel. I’m not blessed with the prettiest feet in the world. I could climb Everest barefoot and not feel a thing. He calls my toes my “killing claws”. Once, during the height of passion I moved my foot and sliced his leg open like a blue fish. From that day on he’s insisted I wear socks in bed. At all times. On all occasions.
As I was saying. He was away last Monday so I decided to do a foot peel I’ve done them before so knew what to expect. Basically you put your feet in these little plastic booties having first poured in some mystery liquid which I assume contains some manner of foot eating acid. You leave the boots on for the Kathy and Hoda hour on The Today Show and relax.
Nothing will happen for a few days and you’ll be going about your business and will forget that you did the foot peel until one day you take your socks off and see this…
Your husband will run screaming from the room shouting “Get away from me you monster. What the hell is wrong with you and put some socks on”!!! You’ll be all “No. It’s just a foot peel. Come look”. He won’t. No matter how beguiling you make it sound. He will not come and look. Men are weird like that.
Now. You can peel the dead skin off yourself and lots of my friends love doing just that. Sometimes we compete to see who has the skankiest feet. I have strange friends.
Personally I prefer to give them a good old soak and let the dead skin fall off. This of course leads us to the question of what to soak them in and I know you know where I’m going with this. You can soak in the bath but we’re talking dead skin. You really want to chance using that bathtub again? Ever?
There’s no truth in the rumour that there’s no truth in the rumour that flight attendants make use of the bath tubs in hotels on layovers. None whatsoever. It’s also not true that we use the coffee maker to wash our panty hose out. None at all so I’d just like to get that out there. I don’t care what people thought they saw. It wasn’t pantyhose. It was special Bratvarian coffee in a bag spun by blind silk worms from Lower Aardavarkistan.
So what do you have laying around in the kitchen that’s plastic and the perfect size for a foot? Tupperware. I’m a genius. You’re welcome.
Soak for an episode of Call The Midwife (I do love a British period drama), changing water half way through and insert other foot.
At the end of the soak your husband’s Tupperware that he did not tell you not to use (see exhibit A) will look like this.
Fantastic isn’t it. All that lovely dead skin is now gone from your feet and will continue to peel for a week. At the end of the week you’ll have baby soft feet. Of course you’ll still have the killer claw so will still have to wear socks in bed.
And if you’re wondering if this stuff works so well on your feet then surely it would be like a chemical peel for your face then I’m way ahead of you. It’s a firm no from Google.
Also… Don’t put soap in the microwave. (See exhibit A)