It’s 2015. Man has landed on the moon (allegedly), I have a “smart” TV that connects to the internet. I can theoretically order things on my phone that will be delivered by a drone. People have entered a competition to be selected for a one way trip to colonize Mars (seriously people, one way?) You can pretty much have anything you want. Anything it seems, except running water.
As a historic winter that I will surely tell my grand kittens, about comes to a close, it decided that having us climb out of the window as the door was snowed in wasn’t enough. Spending $$$ on a new snowblower didn’t quite do it. Massive roof damage? Not good enough. Winter really decided to stick it to me by freezing my water pipes. Naturally this sort of thing happens when Mr Sibsie is away IN FLORIDA! Obviously it happens when my hair is disgusting and my legs need shaving so badly I could pass for a yeti.
I was crawling around in the cellar trying to find water pipes while I was on the phone to Mr Sibsie. I’ve had a spinal fusion. The bits that make you nice and bendy are fused with metal so I’m the opposite of bendy. I’m pretty much the tin man. Ask me to do anything other than stand upright or lay down and I’m out. Because I can’t bend, I literally banged my head on every single rafter. I spent the phone call swearing like a pirate, building up to a princess hissy fit and threw the phone down in disgust. It was just one of many calls to Mr Sibsie today that have ended up with me swearing and throwing the phone down.
We live on a horse farm and somewhere between the water mains and our house the pipes froze. The plumber came out this morning to have a look. He fiddled around with the water meter and said “yep, they’re frozen”. No shit Sherlock. I wish he’d wiped the smile off his face as he told me it would be $600 for the first hour and then $100 for every hour thereafter. He was practically dancing as he explained that our house is half a mile from the street so it could take up to ten hours to unfreeze them. Of course it would. I wouldn’t expect anything less. And have fun on the world cruise we’re funding Mr Plumber. He very kindly marked the water hole thing with blue paint and said he’ll be back in the morning, because doing it today when I really need water would just make my life too easy. Frankly I’m surprised he didn’t just mark it with a giant $ sign.
So what do you do when you have no running water, have banged your head several thousand times, can’t flush the toilet, are miserable, disgusted with the winter that will not end and worried about how you’re going to foot the bill for all the damage? You crack open a beer and cover yourself in placenta.
Cover yourself in what, you say? Placenta my friends. If it’s good enough for Posh Spice it’s good enough for me. Last week Lary delivered these placenta sheet masks and tonight seemed like a good time to try it.
Having to lay down with a mask on drinking Stella with a straw calmed my senses somewhat. It gave me time to reflect. For reflect – read wallow in self pity. I would like to claim that I pondered poor people across the globe that face life without running water every day but that would be an outright lie. I’d really like to just flush the toilet. Especially as I decided yesterday to start a colonic cleanse. Remind me to tell you sometime about the time I was taking Alli and had something of an issue in Nordstrom. I won’t go into graphic detail but suffice to say they’re not kidding about the side effects. I had to throw my underwear away and drive home on one butt cheek. I’m pretty sure the whole thing was captured on security camera and will never go back again.
So back to placenta. Did you know you can make a lasagne out of it? You can google the recipe if you just happen to have a placenta laying around and fancy whipping one up. I would probably call a hospital if you do happen to have one laying around but that’s just me.
It did smell a bit strange. I’ve never smelt a placenta so I’m not sure if that was the smell. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t exactly flowery either. Earthy would be the best description. I don’t know who’s placenta it was but I’d like thank them for it. It felt lovely on. Super juicy mask. Nice sticking power and my skin felt calm and refreshed after.
I give it 8 out of 10 Sibsie points.
I don’t talk about the ins and outs of my job on this blog but it would be remiss of me not to say amazing job to the crew. And earthlings… this is why we wear our seatbelts and between you and me, you should keep your shoes on for landing and until you’re at the gate because you just never know.